My Dear Lockknee,

It is most concerning to hear that your patient has befriended an agent of the Enemy (or as He calls him, His child). Not only that, you have allowed your patient to converse with the agent about matters of theology and philosophy. Furthermore, you report that he has even entertained the thoughts lying awake in bed? I am most disappointed and drenched in annoyance at your shameful display of ignorance about your patient. Nevermind my frustrations, you must endeavor to remedy this situation with urgency. It is from my personal experience as an elder tempter that I must advise you to work to limit your patient’s thoughts about the Enemy. At such a juncture as you have allowed your patient to arrive, I would even suggest that you limit his venture into thoughts about the “deeper” matters of his short, minuscule life. Let him think that the concerns of immediacy are of greater pertinence and let his mind drift to the pandemic that plagues his little globe.

When he is at home, do not let his solitude encourage him to think about the matters he had discussed with the Enemy’s agent, but rather let him become sensitive to every ring and alert of his phone regarding some form of amusement, or let him become increasingly obsessed with the seeming uncleanliness of his home that he had never noticed before. Let him notice that the books on his shelves need to be straightened, the furniture rearranged, or air in need of freshening. When he ventures outside the home, perhaps in his attempt to “clear the mind” as these humans would say, do not let his eyes wander far, but cast him to perceive, with greater scrutiny than before, that he is surrounded by unhygienic individuals. Let every cough or sneeze of a neighbor be caught by his wandering eyes as this will no doubt fill his mind with anxious thoughts and even hatred of his neighbors that crowd out any recollections of what he had talked about with the Enemy’s agent. Oh, this pandemic is of great function to our service to Our Father Below.

Most importantly, when the “deeper” matters do inexorably surface despite our greatest efforts (they are an inquisitive sort of creatures), make the matter seem much too “deep” to discuss at the moment. Suggest to him that such “life questions” are reserved for moments of peace and comfort so that he may bring himself to think, “This pandemic has clouded my mind… It is much too great a topic to be minded in such turbulent times when I have more immediate concerns to attend to!”. This mere suggestion of the enormity and weightiness of the matter will be sufficient at keeping your patient’s logical inquiry into his own life at bay as it provides a much desired excuse to pine away at his idols while forgetting the greater meanings to be sought. Keep this scalpel in your arsenal, as such a strategy is even applicable in less virulent times— remind your patient that there is now an exam to worry about, a project to finish, a boss to please… You will develop a keen sense for the idols of your patient as you realize that anything your foolish patient sets his eyes upon can be slighted to look like a need for greater attention than the Enemy and His many designs.

Note always that you are helping your patient to be free of the worries of the Enemy and the many restrictive decrees He commands— this way, your patient will always be bound to the shackles whose chains are in your hands. And in order to attend to your patient’s greatest needs of self-service and self-adoration, it is most crucial that you do not let him entertain the thoughts regarding heavier matters such as the ones your patient’s acquaintance has brought to surface.

Your loving mentor,

Grimbark

My Dear Lockknee,

You fool and a sniveling idiot, you will be punished severely for your lackadaisical attendance to your patient that has led to his subsequent conversion to the Enemy. A most severe and irresponsible blunder you have made! There is no remedy for such a terminal ailment, and hence, all that you can do from this point forward is to frustrate the intents of the Enemy in all that He wishes to do through your patient. Expect great displeasure from Our Father Below— you will be most fortunate to keep your job. With such matters discussed, allow me to exhort you on how you will salvage this situation such that perhaps you will escape an even greater abuse from your superiors.

I see from your previous correspondence that your patient has now been given responsibilities that you are afraid may distract him from the sloth availed by this great pandemic that has most satisfied Our Father Below. It is certainly true that the Enemy, in His most conniving ways, has somehow maintained that the patient can be of service to Him despite the patient’s delectably fallen nature. Now that your patient has become free from bondage to you, he is now able to be of a most detestable service to the Enemy even in the most menial of tasks the Enemy avails to him. It is right that you fear an end to your patient’s sloth and lethargy.

However, do not let this matter of “additional tasks” concern you or trouble you as lethargy and sloth is not a matter of a “not doing anything” (even you, a tempter, have a task of doing what the Enemy abhors) as it is rather more of a “not doing the pertinent thing” or a “not doing in the proper fashion”. You need not contrive a most intricate plan to convince your patient to be ignorant of all his tasks, you simply need him to recognize his already latent passions that assert that the task at hand is far too “drab” or “inconsequential” to devote his whole attention and care towards. Do not forget that you are foremostly fighting against the most horrid and detestable decrees of the Enemy— lethargy in your patient is commendable only when it is in dissuasion to do what the Enemy has commanded.

Hence, you merely need to make the matters other than that which is placed before your patient to be of seemingly more intrigue than that which is assigned to Him by the Enemy. When he is attending to his work, whether it be his studies or his career, make it quite obvious to him that in his heart, he desires to be free from such menial tasks. Years of his indoctrination to “follow your heart” has been well schemed by your elder tempters from the Ministry of Public Medication to allow him to grow in dissatisfaction with the work set before him. This dissatisfaction will inevitably bloom into daydreaming which you can easily taint with seeds of lust that are made to be of such easy consumption thanks to my friends at the Ministry of Public Medication who have been influencing Hollywood and New York for many decades.

The greatest benefit to such a method is that your patient will be convinced to believe that he is diligent because he has been sitting before a computer screen for so many hours of his day or because he has had his book open for so many minutes. Your patient will never suspect that in reality, he has enjoyed the lethargy and sloth that the Enemy hates so much.

Take care, Lockknee, to make sure that you make no more mistakes as foolish as letting your patient succumb to the disease that is “faith”.

Your loving mentor,

Grimbark

My Dear Lockknee,

I am most pleased (and frankly, surprised) to hear that you have successfully allowed your patient to succumb to the beautiful practice of slothful daydreaming. I did not think that you would be able to follow through on my advice so proficiently. Your report has brought a much needed grin to my face as my other junior tempters have been quite… well, ineffective in their tasks. It is rather displeasing to Our Father Below that the Enemy is somehow using this pandemic to His advantage— that old foe is omniscient after all. I imagine that in your success you have felt the saliva well up in your mouth as you saw the lusts of your patient's heart develop into coherent fantasies and obsessions in the mind through his daydreams— the morsel of his lustful desire plumping up by the second— you could almost taste the chagrin of the Enemy, could you not? Well, keep up the handsome work, and Our Father Below will reward you handsomely with an even plumper patient after this one.

Now, in my estimation, I surmise that your patient is currently contemplating the idea of attending the recently reinstated local gathering of that most horrifying spectacle, the Church. Even I shudder at the thought of that gathering— I would prefer not to say any more. You must, in your greatest effort, prevent him from attending such a gathering. You will not be able prevent him from “tuning in” to the gathering completely as the importance of this adoration of the Enemy has been so driven in to him through that most despicable Book. However, do not fear, it is not your patient’s mere attendance that makes the gathering so horrid. No, it is their reverence towards the Enemy and this blinding light that seems to surround them as they “lift up” praise together. You merely need to educate your patient that the “online service” will suffice— the recently reinstated physical gathering must seem too great a task to bear for him. Allow your patient to wonder, “Why should I go to church physically?” or “Is it not the same to hear the message and sing from home?” — this train of thought will inevitably lead to his forgetfulness of the fact that the Enemy created him as a physical being. As he is a junior agent of the Enemy, he has still yet to be inculcated with the fact that the Enemy’s agents are significantly more pronounced in their spectacle and flattering of the Enemy when gathered together physically.

Even if you succeed in the binding of your patient to his safe abode… in your grasp, there are yet further precautions to be taken. Your patient is not yet safe from the influence of the Enemy— he may still be excited to the adoration of the Enemy even during a telecommunicated service. To prevent such an annoyance, you must allow him to be as comfortable as possible. Yes, comfortable— as comfortable as he would be in his bed. In fact, it is ideal if he does indeed stay in his bed while he is “tuning in” to his online gathering. Now, this will take some effort and planning on your part, of course. You will need to make sure that the night before, he does all but prepare for the coming day. Tempt him to “watch one more video”, or “play one more round”, or “talk to one more friend” — these are especially impactful at such a time as this pandemic as most are bereft of entertainment and human contact that they so desire. Soon, to the dismay of your patient, a certain hour will come when the patient will rush to slumber (by this time his mind will be much too stimulated to allow him to get proper rest), or your patient, upon the disappointment in himself, may even forfeit any attempt at rest and distract himself with more meaningless entertainment in a vain effort to dissipate the gathering feelings of guilt. If properly executed on your part and well received on his, your patient may not even wake up on time for the “online service”, or if he does manage, will find it much too bothersome to get up from his bed, change his clothing, wash his face, and wholeheartedly participate in this online gathering.

Oh, the thought of it brings delight to the black pit in my chest and allows it to palpate with excitement. There is nothing the Enemy hates more than a false adoration and you will have engineered a most fitting example of it. Picture your patient in his nightwear, sitting cross-legged in front of his device on top of his bed, barely mumbling along to the songs and yawning now and then— is it not the most delightful thought?

Your loving mentor,

Grimbark